


Statues Win Every Time

by RedLlamas



Series: Swords and Bandages [3]
Category: Night at the Museum (Movies)
Genre: Baseball, Gen, Lely the Protective Lesbian, Mother Hen Ahkmenrah, Tilly centric, so much, so much research went into this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 14:22:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5167088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedLlamas/pseuds/RedLlamas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tilly and her boyfriend have a chat, in a way.<br/>Ahkmenrah, Lancelot, and the Crouching Venus to the rescue!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Statues Win Every Time

**Author's Note:**

> Tilly mentioned a boyfriend in the movie, and the epilogue was three years later so! Here we go!

The first two weeks of May were pleasant in the London weather, more or less. It was cold, but not like, _death_ cold or anything. It was chilly. Or maybe cool. The author would actually say it's cold as hell because her entire _state's_ cold game is weak, but you know. Fanfiction purposes. Anyways. It ranged from 12 to 14 degrees (54 to 57 Fahrenheit), so the exhibits who hailed from warmer climates did not enjoy this at all.

Luckily for everyone involved, Ahkmenrah spent several decades in Cambridge University in the Egyptology section, and a few decades more in the Museum of Natural History, so he was already acclimated to the weather. He gave tips on how to stay warm, helped Tilly pass around blankets for those already several millenniums old, and made fun of Lancelot's stoic face ("Why so serious?" "Nothing." "Is it the weather? Are you cold?" "No I'm not, it's just — it's different now." " _How?_ ").

Tilly was especially happy, throughout the cold and the rain (only 8 hours of sunlight. Yay), saying her boyfriend was okay with her having a guy friend in New York, as long as she was okay with him having a gal pal who was visiting the family this month.

Ahkmenrah did not like the sound of this, so he questioned her about it. Does she think it's a good idea? Is she to trust? Is she a family friend? Ahkmenrah is concerned.

Tilly scoffed, flipped her hair, held up her hands. "Ahk, it's okay, okay? They've been friends since like, forever. There's no need to worry about it! What you _should_ worry about is the Lamassa trying to get to the museum doors. Something about "protecting the city" or something." Tilly did do the air quotes. Larry forgot to tell her to read up on history.

While Ahkmenrah rushed to the gates to prevent the Lamassa from leaving, Lancelot kept subtly asking her about what she knew about her boyfriend's friend. When Ahkmenrah came back, Lancelot informed him that Pamela — Tilly's boyfriend's friend's name — was a stand-up gal with no ill intentions. Ahkmenrah went to his sarcophagus peacefully that day.

But the last Wednesday of May rolled around, and Tilly sat next to Xiangliu, who didn't know what to do, crying her heart out, creating an umbriferous and lachrymose atmosphere about the museum. The Crouching Venus scoured the museum to find Ahkmenrah and subsequently told him about their poor night guard. Off the two went to Tilly's side.

Tilly was crying, dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. Xiangliu looked uncomfortable, not used to people coming to him for support. One of his heads rubbed her cheek, which she patted.

Ahkmenrah approached her, crouching in front of her. "Hey Tilly, what happened? Why are you crying?" He patted her shoulder.

Tilly wiped her eyes, sniffing loudly. She looked up from where she was curled up next to Xiangliu, and saw Ahkmenrah, the Crouching Venus, several other exhibitions. She looked back at Ahkmenrah and all but started bawling again.

"M-m-my b-b-b-b-boyfr-fr-fr-friend," Tilly managed in between sobs, "H-h-h-he cheated on me with that skanky Pam!" Oh my Rah what do I do now? Ahkmenrah thought.

Lancelot could be heard chuckling to himself over where the barricade was. " _Skanky Pam_ ," he whispered to himself. Tilly started smiling in spite of herself, her breathing coming out more evenly. "Heh, yeah, that was a good one, right?"

They both started laughing at that, and when Ahkmenrah caught Lancelot's eye, he nodded him over. Lancelot was capable of calming her down and getting out more information about this, Ahk was sure of it. Lancelot nodded, walking towards Tilly and sitting next to her, accompanying her in her despairing laughter.

~~~

After sending Tilly off to the Reading Room with the Crouching Venus, Lancelot turned to Ahkmenrah and Garuda and told them what exactly had happened with Tilly's boyfriend and Pamela.

"Apparently he spent the night with her, and Pamela was talking about it on her phone with one of her friends when Tilly heard her. She confronted her boyfriend, and, well, the rest is history." Ahkmenrah and Garuda hmmed in response.

"So what do we do now?" Lancelot innocently asked.

Ahkmenrah had a plan in mind, but wanted to see what Garuda thought first. The smol artifact gargled something, using his hands to elaborate. It seems that Garuda wanted to ... put the ex-boyfriend on a plane and fill it with snakes? Something having to do with snakes.

"Uh," Ahk eloquently said after Garuda's presentation, "I think I have something better and less complicated than that." He looked up at Lancelot and smiled.

There was an evil glint in his eyes when he smiled like that.

Lancelot was a bit frightened, but just a smidgen.

"Go ahead ..." He cautiously replied.

~~~

Tilly was smiling again, and laughing a bit too. "You guys are the best! I couldn't have asked for a better job!" The Crouching Venus was skipping alongside her, Ahkmenrah, Lancelot, Garuda, other exhibits from the museum and several lions from Trafalgar Square there with her as well. They were all carrying grocery bags, heading down streets with houses on them.

Tilly was leading them to her ex's house, where they were going to egg it. This was all part of Ahkmenrah's sinister plan. Next, they were going to — wait for it .... _toilet paper it_. Yep, Ahk could be scary when he wanted to, and this is one of his scariest moments.

Sadly, this was not his original plan, for what he actually planned to do to Tilly's ex was probable to breaking a few British laws. Thankfully for the government, Lancelot told him hell no, so he toned it down a bit. This was the best he could do.

Tilly was ecstatic, wanting to do this since forever. "Gosh, I can't wait to see his face! And when I see it, I'll throw an egg at him!"

"Yeah, that's the spirit! Onwards, men — to battle!" Lancelot pulled out his sword and urged everyone to walk faster. Ahkmenrah took away his sword-wielding privileges.

When they finally arrived at the house, Tilly immediately whipped out a carton of eggs and began throwing like a madman. The eggs went splat! against the windows and door. Garuda let loose a battle roar (more like a squeak) and pelted the door with eggs, banging his fists on the hard wood as well. The Crouching Venus threw like someone straight out of the baseball MVP, throwing curveballs and fastballs, hitting the corners of the windows. Ahkmenrah and Lancelot were throwing eggs at each other, catching them and throwing them at the house. Several of the lions were scratching at the door, making sure Garuda isn't destroyed by their paws.

Tilly is having the time of her life, feeling as if she's on top of the world.

After several minutes of egging the house, Nataraja started dancing his Tandava, which Ahkmenrah noticed and immediately stopped. " _Nataraja no_ ," were his cries.

The lights in the house turned on, and a male voice could be heard hollering from inside. The door suddenly burst open, a male figure standing in the doorway, bewildered and angered as hell. "What the hell?! Tilly? Is that you?! What are you doing to my house?!" As the guy talked, he stomped towards Tilly, who stood holding a carton of eggs in one hand and an egg in the other.

She was speechless, stuttering over her words. "I - I - I - uh, Chad, I," she couldn't say any more, but luckily for her, the Crouching Venus marched right up to him and punched him square in the jaw. Luckily for everyone involved, the Crouching Venus is made of marble, so Chad had maybe two broken teeth.

Marble statue one. Fleshy guy zero.

Ahk decided he would give Lancelot his sword again for now. Lancelot promptly put it to good use, stomping towards Chad, point of sword directly at his neck. "So you're the famous 'Chad', huh? What a chump."

Any sane mortal would "eep" loudly and crap their pants, which is what Chad did. Having a guy point a sword at your jugular wasn't a daily occurrence, so Chad held up his hands and stepped back a bit, accidentally bumping into one of the Trafalgar lions, which growled at him.

More eeps came from Chad as he tried to get away from all the vengeful exhibits, but he ended up facing Tilly. "Tilly! I'm – I'm sorry, babe! Pamela didn't mean anything, I swear! Please, I love you! Will you forgive me?" His voice went from pleading to desperate.

Tilly smiled.

Tilly had an evil gleam in her eye.

Tilly smashed an egg in his face.

Someone threw a toilet paper roll at him, which started a chain of t.p.ing the house _and_ Chad. At some point, an entire carton of eggs was dumped on him. Garuda even kicked him in the shin, claiming victory once more for statues everywhere.

~~~

Tilly was smiling again on their walk back to the museum. She was crying a little bit, too. "You guys are the best! I couldn't have asked for better friends!" The Crouching Venus hugged her while Garuda patted her leg.

One of the lions booped her. Ahkmenrah replied, "We're your friends, we would do anything for you — especially if it involves beating up mean people!" I mean, Ahk would do worse than beating them up, but you get the idea.

"Thanks, you guys, so much. I love you guys!" Tilly hugged the Crouching Venus and Ahk, and everyone else once a group hug was established in the middle of the street.

"... We should probably get home, though, it's almost sunup."

"Yeah, let's go."

~~~

Back at the museum, when everyone had gone back to their rooms and galleries, Tilly went to Lancelot to take his sword away.

"Wait, but why are you taking it?"

"Because," Tilly said over her shoulder, "Ahk said that you were grounded from your sword-wielding privileges for a whole week. Good night!"

Lancelot kicked a column.


End file.
